Pandemships: why friendships have become life-saving during Pandemic times
Call it evolutionary kinship and bonding, nervous system co-regulation, or just pure friendship, there’s something about the friendships formed or reinforced by pandemic times (pandemships, as we’ll refer to them) that seem to be the balm for our deeply aching and tired hearts and bodies.
What might be born out of a time when relationships are centered, health and mental health are valued (even if not by the conservative or the neoliberal)? From a time when productivity moves down the priority list because the sick, the dying, those lacking viable childcare options, or are in existential, eco-anxiety, or addiction crisis, or part of the Great Resignation aren’t able to or choosing to work?
The ingredients of Pandemships
Proximity- There’s a concept in social psychology called the proximity effect which states that physical proximity increases interpersonal liking. It’s the friends with whom we can go on walks around the block or on the trails (for some of us), to connect through shared or even not shared experience of pandemic life. A dear friend and I have come to dub them our “rage walks” or “joy walks” depending on the day, or hour. And with another dear one, they are flower walks, where we literay stop and take in the smell or sight of flowers. Zoom and other video apps may increase the sense of proximity to our dear ones far away, but physical proximity still has seemed to take precedent. I will never take elbow bumps, eye contact, or simple neighborhood walks for granted again.
Mutual Aid: Most of the folks I know at this point have dropped off meals, groceries, or some other essential to loved ones who are sick, quarantining, virtual schooling, or immunocompromised. Folks have helped one another with rent payments, loans, or other vital expenses, at a time when the government has not been able to or chosen to meet the needs of its people and has instead prioritized profit and business (those stimulus checks weren’t sufficient or prolonged enough). Never has it been more pronounced, except during natural or man-made (let’s face it, it wasn’t the women or non-binary folks) disasters that we need each other. There is a nervous system response called Tend and Befriend that reminds us we are wired to seek out social groups, and to protect and tend to our kin (chosen or biological) for survival. Relationships are truly survival.
Affinity & shared grief: As socio-economic disparity and inequity have been continuously uncovered, racial injustice and uprisings rising, and the political divide, especially among vaccinated and unvaccinated acutely heightened, we have looked to “pod” or group with those of like experience for safety and bonding. This isn’t a new phenomenon, but it does seem to be accented at a time where our health truly is tied to the level of risk those around us are taking, and we need to know who’s aligned in level of risk assessment.
As poet and brilliant thought leader, Damian Barr put it, “we are all in the same storm, but not in the same boat.” Marginalized folks, especially BIPOC (Black, Indigenous, People of Color) have experienced loss in their communities at disproportionate rates, Indigenous, Black, and Asian-Pacific Islander being the highest rates, with these communities having higher percentages of frontline and essential workers. This is coupled with institutionalized racism in the health care systems biasing health providers administering care. There isn’t the same protection, access, or means as in many predominantly white and middle/ upper class neighborhoods. For folks living in rural areas, including indigenous and native people, they have also been disproportionately affected with lack of access to health care, vaccines, and testing. Women and folks who are primary caregivers have had to leave the workforce in droves, connecting around shared grief of temporary (or not) loss of identity as a professional. Folks who are not in heteronormative or monogomous relationships or living with a spouse may have also grouped together with Queer family. These affinity groups have existed, but they have been brought to the forefront.
Ultimately, friendship and relationships have been centered in a way that is antithetical and maybe even antidotal to the capitalist, patriarchal paradigm which breeds hyperindividualism. When relationships lead the way, new ways of organizing society are possible. When work and productivity are de-centered and physical and mental health are moved to the forefront, core values shift and people are reminded what really does matter in this one precious life. Let us allow these pandemships, friendships, and the power of relationship to guide us toward a more just, more inclusive, and more right relationship with one another, our earth, and our livelihoods.