Too muchness

I learned to leave the room 

When I was feeling too much 

to run down the hallway to my bedroom

so not to splatter my big emotions out onto my family members

who either didn’t care or know how to be in the room with them.

When my body takes on the curled up and tremoring shape of feeling like I’m “too much”,

I still pull away 

My too muchness learned to dress in shame

tugging on me to tuck away so no one will see—

that I sense and I see in high resolution  and sometimes

I wish I could blur the images or drown out the sounds,

but that’s not my nature. 

I learned to cast off my nature 

to dull my gradient of color and pixelate the high resolution view

so to not make others feel uncomfortable 

so to not be too much for them.

And sometimes it is too much 

but it also lets me know I’m alive—

a sentient being

in an over sensory world 

with too much trying to make sense and not enough sensing 

I learned that logic was better than intuition

Because intuition doesn’t pay the 

tuition or the bills

I learned to pull away when I was feeling too much 

and it almost cost me my life.

But I was gifted the chance to stay—

to live in my senses, to love, 

to belly laugh, to wail

to feel deeply. 

I am learning that I’m not too much 

that I can

move toward rather than away 

to stay with the feeling and not be pulled under,

until it shape shifts 

and the tides change 

and the new moon phase comes

and I choose to stay for the next cycle 

and the next one